I am Ok! ?

"How are you?"
"I'm fine. I'm Ok?" Am I?

Most of the time, I answer that way just because it is the easiest way to respond ... so that there'd be no more follow up questions; Or, maybe, it is the default answer.
To answer the other way would cause the person asking me to feel bad for me or to even try his/her best to help me because I'm not ok. Well, it is the norm.

When we are not ok, we usually do our best to try to eradicate the feeling of not being ok. We don't want the state of discomfort or inconvenience. It makes us feel so uneasy. We do all sort of things - even make shopping as a therapy to feel happy. We want to keep ourselves busy so we will not have to endure the feeling of not being ok. We try to get what we want to satisfy ourselves not realizing that our effort is just giving us a poor imitation of what we really want.

The goal in this life is not to be ok.

It's alright not to feel ok. I want to go through it now. If I try to fill it with just anything, the feeling of not being ok will worsen - ill find myself more in a ditch.

So let me share what I would like to do now - Let it be - I'm not OK!!! I know that I have problems and my mind and my heart are very vulnerable now. I am utterly helpless and weak. But I come to God, my strong tower and refuge - MY DEFENSE. I will let Him fill me. I am not Ok but my life is in God's hands. I will not try to resist the feeling of not being Ok but I will use it to cry out to God; I will use it so I could depend on God.

In His time and according to His ways, I will be ok.

But for now, "Yes, I am not ok... but all is well with my soul."

Hide and Seek

I used to play this game when I was a kid.

But hiding has become a lifestyle for me. It is a struggle. I hide myself when I get hurt or rejected or when people talk about me - people who just listens to what others say about me without really getting to know the real me. I hide even just to protect myself. I just get tired of trying to explain myself to them. I get tired of trying to please them. I am tired of people who make me feel bad about myself. I am afraid to hear what other people may say about me even if it’s good. I am afraid that these people who say good things about me will be the same people who would say bad things about me. Sometimes, I wish they wouldn’t say anything at all about me – just let me alone!

Well, I am not really a loner. I have close friends who see me and support me. I treasure them. They’re few but I know those would last.

But there are so many I’s above! Friends won’t solve my problem.

Confronted with the idea of hiding, I see that there is so much fear of man within me. When I try to unravel the cause of this, memories of my elementary and highschool days would go back to me.

The small world of school where young people build their dreams and develop their personality – I was not part of the group; I am talked about, being laughed at, avoided, made fun of etc - Words that left wound … I don’t remember the words but the scars are there.

In my world now, I may not experience them as intense as I did during school days but I feel them… and what’s my reaction? Hide … fear man! What are they talking about me? What are they thinking? These are just some of the things that run through my mind.

It may not be that visible to me… but I know deep down I fear man and I hide myself from them. And I get angry because they make me feel insignificant, irrelevant and invaluable. I try to show myself that I exist and that I’m no longer the same person I used to be when I was in school.

I don’t want to continue like this. This is very enslaving!

I’ve known this problem even before. I guess college. It was not something that could heal overnight. I recognize that little by little, I am changing. I know that I am not hiding as much as I did before. I know I am growing and learning a lot… Praise God because he is continually working at me. He who began a good work in me is indeed faithful.

There were things that triggered this problem just lately. And since I am thousand of miles away from my friends, I have nowhere to go to but to kneel before my Lord which is actually the best place.

Reading ‘When People are Big and God is small’ (by Edward T. Welch), I recognize this fear of man and I want to scrape this fear of man from my heart. I don’t want to please men like my goal is their satisfaction. I want to be a people-lover. I want to love them not because of what they did or what they didn’t do. I want to love them whatever they’ve said about me. I want to get over my past and do not let it embitter my present. I want to minister Christ’s love to them. I want to be free… just as I am called free to be Christ’s servant.

This is difficult! I know it will not be perfect. It will not be smooth. But God has overcome and Christ who is in me will make it possible.

Time and time again, I may find myself hiding but God will be faithfully seeking me and bringing me out to light – His light!

Praise be to God and all glory to Him.

BEAUTY

Proverbs 31:30

"Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain. But a woman who fears the Lord, she shall be praised."

My prayer is to be this kind of woman - a woman who fears the Lord; a woman whose priorities are the deep things of God; a woman whose First Love is God. This is difficult especially in the kind of world we have now in which beauty is more likely link only to physical attributes. I am tempted of 2 things. First, to spend much for the externals and second, to think low of self for not being able to meet the beauty standards of this world. There is nothing wrong with physical beauty (it's a gift) but to only be concern of that is wrong - Physical beauty fades! There is much more worthy investment than that.


I Peter 3:3-4

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."

When you are not loving...

Have you ever felt that you were giving so much of your heart to someone...that you felt like you wanted that person to also commit to you the same way you are committing to him/her?

The first part should not really be a problem because when you love someone (even if he/she is only a friend) should be unconditional and sincere. As Christians, we should love as Christ loves. The second part is the problem when you are now beginning to expect something in return of that love that you are so lavishly giving.

Things then start to change between you and the person. You now sense that you need to hold back things from the person... to limit yourself from giving because you feel unappreciated and not valued... you are hurt.

Unfair! Or is it?

Where are you getting that love? If we are getting that love ONLY from within us, it will soon dry up and will have nothing to produce. And instead of giving, we are taking from people we love...

If your problem is the second part, then you are the problem...

We may want to stop for a while and examine the center of our loving. We must redirect our hearts to Christ who loves us unconditionally and confess how incapable we are of loving the same way He did. We must ask for His help to teach us to love unconditionally. Only through that can we be satisfied in loving and reaching out to others. We will do it even for a greater cause - which is for the glory of God. That Christ will be magnified in our loving others.

Unbelief

Many people cannot believe the Bible because they don't understand it. They say that it is just man-made. These people who rejects the Bible are the ones who have not yet read even a single book of the Bible.

Consequently, they do not believe the God of the Bible. They only believe God based on their understanding - based on what they can accept of a God. They don't believe the God who the Bible discussed because they cannot comprehend it. For them it seems not logical...

However, not believing God as the Bible teaches is halfhearted! God does not settle for a halfhearted devotion. God demands a total commitment - a full devotion!

Not to believe even in just one character of God is already unbelief and thus, it is sin.

How would you feel if your friend believes only of certain things about you and adore you for these qualities but disregard your other qualities because he just couldn't see it - he just couldn't comprehend it and so he just dismissed it? How would you feel when you are not accepted as you really are - your 100% you when you made yourself known to your friend?

Don't you think it is an offense to you?

It is offensive to God because He is God Almighty who is the Creator of the universe- your Creator. He made Himself known to us.

First, He made Himself known to us through His creation - Romans 1:20 says "For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities–his eternal power and divine nature–have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse. "

Second, He made Himself known to us through His word - the Bible. From cover to cover, it speaks about only of God - of His plan and purposes - of His glory.

Third, He made Himself known to us through Jesus Christ - His only begotten Son, our only Savior. God came, drew nearer to us and provided salvation by the death of His Son ...

How can we not believe in the God of the Bible?

We have the time now to repent of our unbelief and receive the truth that the Bible speaks about God and give God our full love and total commitment. We have the time but not all the time... we only have 'now' to do that.

A time is coming when we will see God in all His glory... and yes, all will believe then - all will bow down before Him and confess that He is Lord but you might be doing that NOT in heaven.

In times like this... I need....

There are times when I'd say these lines -



"My work is not fulfilling..."



"I only do this because it is being asked of me."



"I want to do other things."



If I be honest about this, these lines are made out of a self-centered heart. Notice that these senti lines are rooted from a desire to do other things just because I want it or just because I feel like I am not satisfied with what I am getting. This doesn't emerge from a heart that longs to glorify God.



Well, living in this world would really cause me to feel this way because the world has so many things to offer that is pleasing to the eyes. When this happens, I know I've lost sight of God and I am living this life not anymore by faith but by sight. I have to renew my heart regarding this pilgrimage towards the celestial city and to be content with where I am knowing that God is always faithful and will not lack anything good from me. As my Father, He always gives me what I need and for my best.



When I begin to desire for something I don't have, loneliness is created and a sense of discontentment fills my heart. I feel empty. From the world's point of view, I am encouraged to do what I want and what feels good. In a sense, I've tried this but after doing what I want... the sense of emptiness comes back. So, I would do more... but the sense of emptiness still comes back. Nothing can truly satisfy. Parang I am just trying to escape my situation.



The Bible teaches me a different way to have my heart satisfied - to run to God and let Him fill me. Surely, it works! Jesus knows me more than anyone or more than I know myself. He created me for His glory. He gives me peace that passes all understanding and allow me to experience His unconditional love.



Only Jesus can quiet my heart. Only Jesus is worth living for!

Better

I feel better now. Thank God.



I just want to share some reflection I had last week - From FAITHWALK, vol.3 no. 4 (copyright 2004. Published by Communion of Christian Ministries), page 7, The Picture of a Godly Man and I quote,



“ A godly man grieves that he can be no more holy.”



I found parallelism between sinning and getting sick.



One of the things I hate about getting sick is that you feel ugly and lousy. I want to be the best but I couldn’t (ubo-ubo; singa-singa). I am limited by my sickness. I can only work as long as my head doesn’t ache or I don’t cough. In this sense, I hate sickness. The same feeling should be created with the presence of sin in my life (because we are all sinners and fall short of the glory of God). I should hate sin. Sin separates me from my communion with God. Sin limits me from becoming my best for God’s glory.