I used to play this game when I was a kid.
But hiding has become a lifestyle for me. It is a struggle. I hide myself when I get hurt or rejected or when people talk about me - people who just listens to what others say about me without really getting to know the real me. I hide even just to protect myself. I just get tired of trying to explain myself to them. I get tired of trying to please them. I am tired of people who make me feel bad about myself. I am afraid to hear what other people may say about me even if it’s good. I am afraid that these people who say good things about me will be the same people who would say bad things about me. Sometimes, I wish they wouldn’t say anything at all about me – just let me alone!
Well, I am not really a loner. I have close friends who see me and support me. I treasure them. They’re few but I know those would last.
But there are so many I’s above! Friends won’t solve my problem.
Confronted with the idea of hiding, I see that there is so much fear of man within me. When I try to unravel the cause of this, memories of my elementary and highschool days would go back to me.
The small world of school where young people build their dreams and develop their personality – I was not part of the group; I am talked about, being laughed at, avoided, made fun of etc - Words that left wound … I don’t remember the words but the scars are there.
In my world now, I may not experience them as intense as I did during school days but I feel them… and what’s my reaction? Hide … fear man! What are they talking about me? What are they thinking? These are just some of the things that run through my mind.
It may not be that visible to me… but I know deep down I fear man and I hide myself from them. And I get angry because they make me feel insignificant, irrelevant and invaluable. I try to show myself that I exist and that I’m no longer the same person I used to be when I was in school.
I don’t want to continue like this. This is very enslaving!
I’ve known this problem even before. I guess college. It was not something that could heal overnight. I recognize that little by little, I am changing. I know that I am not hiding as much as I did before. I know I am growing and learning a lot… Praise God because he is continually working at me. He who began a good work in me is indeed faithful.
There were things that triggered this problem just lately. And since I am thousand of miles away from my friends, I have nowhere to go to but to kneel before my Lord which is actually the best place.
Reading ‘When People are Big and God is small’ (by Edward T. Welch), I recognize this fear of man and I want to scrape this fear of man from my heart. I don’t want to please men like my goal is their satisfaction. I want to be a people-lover. I want to love them not because of what they did or what they didn’t do. I want to love them whatever they’ve said about me. I want to get over my past and do not let it embitter my present. I want to minister Christ’s love to them. I want to be free… just as I am called free to be Christ’s servant.
This is difficult! I know it will not be perfect. It will not be smooth. But God has overcome and Christ who is in me will make it possible.
Time and time again, I may find myself hiding but God will be faithfully seeking me and bringing me out to light – His light!
Praise be to God and all glory to Him.
